As I get older, I find myself suddenly desiring a badass sofa or a classy yet kooky bookshelf.  I’ve even spent a few Saturday afternoons wondering the cavernous maze of my local IKEA, turning down invites to booze it up with my buddies in the process.  Pathetic, I know.  That being said, furniture is kind of neat, especially pieces like the one below.

Got this one in the “as is” section.

Yep, growing up sure is interesting.  Just the other day I sat down and watched a bit of the Olympics… speed skating.  I enjoyed the commentary…  I felt like offing myself afterwards…  Old age, it sneaks up on you, but at least I have my electric dildo ottoman, which so happens to match my Morocco leather chair set.

Sure, the one on the right is a living breathing shitting real girl, fully functional and self powered, has a heartbeat, soul, and all that garbage, and I bet her pussy feels real nice, but here’s the problem as I see it, why I say pass: the eternal fucking headache!  “I want romance, I want money, I want to sleep in the bed too, I was commitment.”  Fuck that noise.

Life preserver and nut receptacle: this one’s a no-brainer

The Doll, on the other hand, is the very idea of low-maintenance; just hose her off every now and then, and that’s it, she’s good to go.  Naturally, you might want to keep the double-dates to a minimum, but– (continue reading…)

BB Jones knows all ‘bout concealing his stash of dirty.  Unmentionables needs to be buried deep, deep like how I buries me dicks in thick bubble deep.  Yeah, I gots me a mother fucking collection of Fleshlights; your cock be a muscle, like any other, and you gotta keep that fucking thing in shape, so when I’m not hitting the poon like a caveman on fire, I’m benching imaginary behinds with my formidable rod.  But I always puts my shit away when I’m done.  Those dings just can’t just be rolling around.

A family reunion classic

Ladies, you know I be writing this post for you.  Most hommies don’t need to be hiding their hands in a sock drawer after use.  Do your kin a favor and– (continue reading…)

You ever get the feeling that you’re slowly being replaced?  Here’s a pic that isn’t gonna help that insecurity.  How the fuck am I gonna compete against a rubberized stainless steel fucking machine; the gawd damnit that thing can plow ‘gina , 300 beats a minute, and doesn’t need a breather when it’s feeling a little worn out.

Haste la vista, vagina

Well, not to worry, my fellow mammals.  We’ve got at least another sixty years before this– (continue reading…)

1.    You pull down her pants and a plume of fruit flies hits you in the face.
2.    Her underwear has more skid marks than a drag strip.
3.    Her necklass is really a flee collar.
4.    Even she wears gloves going down there.

Um, let's order in

5.    When asked about her ethnic background she makes a point of saying she’s “mo’tly persons.”  (continue reading…)

Masturbation... close-combat weapon?

Dildo Mistaken for Lethal Weapon at Houston Airport

One question: how hard is it to read an X-ray? I’m fairly confident that I would be able to distinguish between a dildo and a gun, regardless how ethereal the image. One looks like a cock, the other replaces a cock. Well… maybe it is more difficult to tell the two apart after all.
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You crank me, I crank you, fair is fair

What’s next? Solar Powered ICBMs! “Oh! Look honey! Those missiles on the news, they run on renewable energy. Isn’t that neat.”

Call me crazy, but saving a few dildo-earmarked coppertops isn’t going to diminish in the slightest the global trash heap that we’re working on.
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