I have a dog, so naturally I go for a lot of walks; hence, I know my city parks inside and out, which ones I’ve gotta watch my back in, which ones I don’t have to bother picking up Spot’s spotty shit bombs in, and finally, which parks are world class for their scenic beauty.  The above being said, I have yet to find the “hot babe masturbation” park.

And what’s the etiquette in such a park.  Obviously, voyeurs are welcomed, why else would these chicks jerk-off in public, but can one just– (continue reading…)

If you can’t service yourself with inanimate objects nearby, even the ones with a face, you’re got problems.  Even with a pet in the room—a leering cat, a watchful mutt—for all intended purposes you’re still alone, and there’s absolutely no need to censor your genital bombardment.

Look at how shocked his eyebrows are!

Hell, even if you share a room, as long as there’s no direct eye contact, and the swooshing of the sheets is kept to a minimum, I say go for it, you’re good.  Okay, even if there is direct eye contact with– (continue reading…)

I had the apartment to myself the other day, and you know what that means: masturbation marathon—HO! Yep, it sure is nice to get down to business and not have to worry about things like closing the door and keeping the volume down.   So naturally I cranked it….  the volume that it, and let the sonic yelps and purrs wash over me as I jerked off for keeps.

A couple of hours into the masturbatory cum-exodus of my toss-fest, I noticed that behind closed curtains my window was wide open.  I live downtown in a high density area, meaning that– (continue reading…)

Dude, I'm still right here!

This is like the classic burying-your-head-in-the-sand situation, which I seem to recall some large birds apparently do to avoid trouble: it doesn’t work, get real!  If you want that dirty– (continue reading…)

Perhaps I’ve grown weary of modern porn, with its perfectly manicured orifices and it’s digitally enhanced everything; perhaps I’m just a hippy when it comes to getting down to bumping uglies, but I likes my poon like I likes my burgers—with all the fixings!

This is way I often find myself surfing retro porn, particularly the European classics like this one: French Sex Delights.  There are no pretenses here, no fake orgasms or faux moans of– (continue reading…)

It’s unlikely.  To pull this shit off you’ve gotta be a smokin’ blonde like this one here from Real Female Orgasms 7.  Men mid-jerk are, categorically, hideous!  Yep, it sure ain’t pretty: flippity-floppity, catching flies with our open mouths, eyes wandering every which way—Christ, it’s nightmarish.  Hot women, on the other hand, are stunning in medias spank, with their cute little faces and their pink watering parts.

The above being said, a lady taking her self-love out of the bedroom and putting it on display for any passerby to see, is, frankly, the best fucking idea a– (continue reading…)

Masturbation is a no-brainer for us fellas; we get horny, we get hard, spanky, spanky, and that’s all there is to it.  For the ladies, however, shit ain’t ever that easy.  Simply put, they’ve got more erogenous zones.  And bigger ladies, like this one, have bigger zones, period, allowing them to get a full-on tit-jerk going with the greatest of ease.

This clip is taken from the second installment of one of my favorite BBW series, Scale Bustin’ Bimbos.  I picked this little gem to illustrate my point because, well, I’m gonna be honest with you, I love massive jugs.  I would like to have given you a more intellectual reason, something with some meaning attached to it; unfortunately, I’m not that guy today… it being Tuesday.

BB Jones knows all ‘bout concealing his stash of dirty.  Unmentionables needs to be buried deep, deep like how I buries me dicks in thick bubble deep.  Yeah, I gots me a mother fucking collection of Fleshlights; your cock be a muscle, like any other, and you gotta keep that fucking thing in shape, so when I’m not hitting the poon like a caveman on fire, I’m benching imaginary behinds with my formidable rod.  But I always puts my shit away when I’m done.  Those dings just can’t just be rolling around.

A family reunion classic

Ladies, you know I be writing this post for you.  Most hommies don’t need to be hiding their hands in a sock drawer after use.  Do your kin a favor and– (continue reading…)

I’ve never understood those gals that masturbated with food, like hotdogs, cucumbers, and the like.  It’s not like buying a dildo or vibrator is going to break the bank.  What, aren’t they like the same price as a pitcher of beer?  (Yes, I measure the worth of things by how much beer it I could buy with the same amount of money.)

This edgy brunette from Rocco Animal Trainer 29 understands the maxim: the right tool for the right job.  The dildos she’s working are perfectly shaped and– (continue reading…)

You ever get the feeling that you’re slowly being replaced?  Here’s a pic that isn’t gonna help that insecurity.  How the fuck am I gonna compete against a rubberized stainless steel fucking machine; the gawd damnit that thing can plow ‘gina , 300 beats a minute, and doesn’t need a breather when it’s feeling a little worn out.

Haste la vista, vagina

Well, not to worry, my fellow mammals.  We’ve got at least another sixty years before this– (continue reading…)