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Tag: masturbation

Batter’s Up!

by on Jan.18, 2010, under Adult Video Reviews

You gotta respect a gal that can use a baseball for a dildo—pretty fucking hardcore!  Who cares about a few splinters and an eternally loose pussy when there are overstuffed orgasms to be had?  This blonde from Shove It Up is a living example of the “slippery slope” masturbation theorem.

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She probably started whacking with her wee pinky finger, than her middle finger, then many fingers, then vegetables, then dildos, then larger dildos, then house hold objects, and now she’s in the garage, stuffing– (continue reading…)

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Ravenous, indeed!

by on Jan.16, 2010, under Adult Video Reviews

Question: Do you have sex like the fucking depicted in this video, snarling, fish hooking, having your dick licked while you plow juicy femme slit?  Being totally honest, I’ve had sex like this probably a handful of times in my life, once recently and the other times way back in the day before I de-evolved into the douche-bag that I am at the present moment.  Sadly, most people live their entire life without having a candid feral fuck, and for them, I dedicate this clip from Ravenous.  Hang in there, dudes, every dog has its day.

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Pretty badass, eh.  The fact of the matter is that anybody can have sexual relations like the above; all it takes is one part effort, one part– (continue reading…)

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One Classy lady

by on Dec.14, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

I’m all for multitasking, but I draw the line at hacking a butt while busting a nut.  It’s all about focus.  How am I to envision an anal bang Xanadu if I taking hot eye-tokes from the cigarette dangling from my mouth with ash falling all over the place, mixing with cum to form a nasty grey cement-like substance, one which is simply impossible to scrape off by traditional means.

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The above being said, I do understand that “sexy smoking” is a fetish for some, and I’m not one to judge; I’m just caught up on the logistics of the whole thing.  It seems both messy and dangerous.  The last thing one– (continue reading…)

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I must be going to the wrong parks

by on Dec.01, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

I have a dog, so naturally I go for a lot of walks; hence, I know my city parks inside and out, which ones I’ve gotta watch my back in, which ones I don’t have to bother picking up Spot’s spotty shit bombs in, and finally, which parks are world class for their scenic beauty.  The above being said, I have yet to find the “hot babe masturbation” park.

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And what’s the etiquette in such a park.  Obviously, voyeurs are welcomed, why else would these chicks jerk-off in public, but can one just– (continue reading…)

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Dirty French Pussy: Rubber Glove Approved!

by on Nov.01, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Perhaps I’ve grown weary of modern porn, with its perfectly manicured orifices and it’s digitally enhanced everything; perhaps I’m just a hippy when it comes to getting down to bumping uglies, but I likes my poon like I likes my burgers—with all the fixings!

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This is way I often find myself surfing retro porn, particularly the European classics like this one: French Sex Delights.  There are no pretenses here, no fake orgasms or faux moans of– (continue reading…)

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Could you get away with masturbating in a stairwell?

by on Oct.21, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

It’s unlikely.  To pull this shit off you’ve gotta be a smokin’ blonde like this one here from Real Female Orgasms 7.  Men mid-jerk are, categorically, hideous!  Yep, it sure ain’t pretty: flippity-floppity, catching flies with our open mouths, eyes wandering every which way—Christ, it’s nightmarish.  Hot women, on the other hand, are stunning in medias spank, with their cute little faces and their pink watering parts.

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The above being said, a lady taking her self-love out of the bedroom and putting it on display for any passerby to see, is, frankly, the best fucking idea a– (continue reading…)

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Boob-bation: Female self-gratification gone breastie

by on Oct.20, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Masturbation is a no-brainer for us fellas; we get horny, we get hard, spanky, spanky, and that’s all there is to it.  For the ladies, however, shit ain’t ever that easy.  Simply put, they’ve got more erogenous zones.  And bigger ladies, like this one, have bigger zones, period, allowing them to get a full-on tit-jerk going with the greatest of ease.

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This clip is taken from the second installment of one of my favorite BBW series, Scale Bustin’ Bimbos.  I picked this little gem to illustrate my point because, well, I’m gonna be honest with you, I love massive jugs.  I would like to have given you a more intellectual reason, something with some meaning attached to it; unfortunately, I’m not that guy today… it being Tuesday.

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The right tool for the right job

by on Oct.07, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

I’ve never understood those gals that masturbated with food, like hotdogs, cucumbers, and the like.  It’s not like buying a dildo or vibrator is going to break the bank.  What, aren’t they like the same price as a pitcher of beer?  (Yes, I measure the worth of things by how much beer it I could buy with the same amount of money.)

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This edgy brunette from Rocco Animal Trainer 29 understands the maxim: the right tool for the right job.  The dildos she’s working are perfectly shaped and– (continue reading…)

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Falling-off-the-couch masturabation

by on Sep.25, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Yes, I’ve done it.  Luckily only no one was there to witness my glorious tumble.  Dick in hand, pants at ankles, it wasn’t one of my proudest moments… but then again, maybe it was.  If you’re gonna do something, you may as well go balls to the wall, or to the linoleum, as was the case when I took my spanky spill.

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This foxy Milf from ATK Natural & Hairy 4 knows what I’m talking about.  You gotta put your backbone in it: get freaky, the blood rushing to your head be damned.  As in sex, you gotta– (continue reading…)

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If your cucumber salad tastes like salmon…

by on Aug.09, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

…then the odds are that what you’re eating has been up some woman’s unwashed cunt! Now, before you fly off the handle, this is not necessarily a bad thing.  Look around, deeply scan your surroundings because somewhere close is a bitch in heat!

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Get a piece of it!  If she’s already stuffing vegetables up her twat, she’s the– (continue reading…)

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