I’m not a political person.  Frankly, that shit gives me a headache.  That being said, every now and then I come across a cause that gets my attention.  Case in point: Masturbate For Peace.  Now that’s a crusade that’s not just mental or moral masturbation—it’s actual masturbation, which as you know, I’m a big supporter of.

Playing with guns

As turnkey solutions go, spanking the money has gotta be near the top of ready-to-go fixes.  It’s hard to fly a stealth bomber or nail pink-mist headshots with your dick flapping away in your hand (or so I assume, hope).  Furthermore, a sexually gratified man isn’t gonna fly off the handle and say, bomb a country back into the Stone Age.  Unless of course you’re a Republican.

Masturbation, the Fountain of Youth?  If Chuck does it, then yes.  If the internet has taught me anything, it has taught me to do as Chuck does.  Fuck, look at the guy!  He’s 70 years old and he’s still a long boat full of Vikings, an aircraft carrier of ninja commandos, a walking and shitting grenade blast with six-pack abs.

Pre or post masturbation smoke: you decide

He fought Bruce Lee, he fought giants, he fought communism, he fought terrorists before terrorism was all the vogue, and in his spare time he cleaned up the wild West with nothing but a man’s beard, a pair of denims, and spinning kicks.  So believe me when I tell you, if Chuck chokes the chicken, that’s one dead mother fucking bird.

As you most likely know, it’s Tuesday—the lowliest day of the week and I’ll tell you why.  Naturally, you’d think Monday, being the furthest from Friday, had this dark honor, but no; at least on Monday you’re still rested from the weekend.  Tuesday you’re nothing: you’re not half way to freedom, it ain’t Pub Night, and you’re definitely not on the home stretch.

I'm all funny bone, baby

Yep, Tuesdays suck all right, but that’s why you’ve got to go out of your way to make this day bearable.  Going to the movies used to be cheap on Tuesdays, but alas, cheapy night Tuesdays have gone– (continue reading…)

It’s a woman’s ass and her sexy back, but it also has a terrible resemblance to a penis.  Could I still masturbate to this image?  I don’t know.  On one side, it’s 100% lady bum, good for what ails ya; on the other side, it sure looks like a cock.  What do you think: could you strain a nut or two off to this mind-fuck?

“That dick sure has one hell of a mushroom head,” said curious Bill.

I’m going to level with you, right now I’m trying to picture myself sodomizing the above ass, and frankly, it kind of looks like I’m fucking the urethra of some giant cock, which, needless to say, is a disturbing sight.  Final analysis: only if– (continue reading…)

Okay men, let’s be honest with ourselves and each other.  This shit only works if you answer straight.  Remember, this is for science!

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You gotta respect a gal that can use a baseball for a dildo—pretty fucking hardcore!  Who cares about a few splinters and an eternally loose pussy when there are overstuffed orgasms to be had?  This blonde from Shove It Up is a living example of the “slippery slope” masturbation theorem.

She probably started whacking with her wee pinky finger, than her middle finger, then many fingers, then vegetables, then dildos, then larger dildos, then house hold objects, and now she’s in the garage, stuffing– (continue reading…)

Question: Do you have sex like the fucking depicted in this video, snarling, fish hooking, having your dick licked while you plow juicy femme slit?  Being totally honest, I’ve had sex like this probably a handful of times in my life, once recently and the other times way back in the day before I de-evolved into the douche-bag that I am at the present moment.  Sadly, most people live their entire life without having a candid feral fuck, and for them, I dedicate this clip from Ravenous.  Hang in there, dudes, every dog has its day.

Pretty badass, eh.  The fact of the matter is that anybody can have sexual relations like the above; all it takes is one part effort, one part– (continue reading…)

Yes sir, you better fucking believe Judo master Black Belt Jones be digging this shit!  Go girl, get that thang up in there.  Don’t be shy, there’s plenty of room in that there hole.  I know, I once buried a pair of nunchucks in this bitch’s ass; they never smelt the same again, but I tell you what, it was mother fucking worth it.

Proctology homework, it's the shits

That’s the beauty of the anus, son, that the shit goes back to the same size after all is said and stuck (or at– (continue reading…)

You gotta appreciate this girl’s MacGyver how to.  Look at her go: piston-fired dildo working hole, industrial über vibrator working hood—damn her beautiful soul, the only thing that this cutie is missing is a rainbow forged electric butt plug and a pixie powered vacuum nipple puffer-out-er.

This should do it

Yep, she’s a mechanic’s dream girl, an android’s true love, and– (continue reading…)

I’m all for multitasking, but I draw the line at hacking a butt while busting a nut.  It’s all about focus.  How am I to envision an anal bang Xanadu if I taking hot eye-tokes from the cigarette dangling from my mouth with ash falling all over the place, mixing with cum to form a nasty grey cement-like substance, one which is simply impossible to scrape off by traditional means.

The above being said, I do understand that “sexy smoking” is a fetish for some, and I’m not one to judge; I’m just caught up on the logistics of the whole thing.  It seems both messy and dangerous.  The last thing one– (continue reading…)