All men are born with a pair of very apt masturbatory tools: they are called hands.  Sure, we use these instruments of cock-caress for other purposes too–building civilizations, opening pickle jars, operating machine guns—but god mostly intended them for two things: scratching balls and jerking shaft.

The above being said, all men enjoy variety, especially when it comes to busting nuts.  And yes, sometimes Palm-ala just won’t cut it.  That’s why one must MacGyver it when Mr. Thick Dick so demands.  Women go for the vegetable crisper in these situations; we men head to the garage.  I’m not– (continue reading…)

You gotta appreciate this girl’s MacGyver how to.  Look at her go: piston-fired dildo working hole, industrial über vibrator working hood—damn her beautiful soul, the only thing that this cutie is missing is a rainbow forged electric butt plug and a pixie powered vacuum nipple puffer-out-er.

This should do it

Yep, she’s a mechanic’s dream girl, an android’s true love, and– (continue reading…)

Okay, granted, that’s not a deep fried hotdog up this babe’s ultra pink pussy, but it sure looks like one, and while we’re on the subject of food-in-sex/food-in-her, if you had to choose an eatable object to make romance to a vagina with, what would that food be?  And let’s be reasonable here, no watermelons or pumpkins (though feel free to nominate other gourds).

This should warm it up

In my opinion, nothing beats the classics: cucumbers, carrots, and assorted sausages.  These are the staples of a well balanced vaginal diet.  Other notable entries, excuse the pun, would have to– (continue reading…)

Okay, so how is giving a piece of plastic a blowjob suppose to be sexy; it’s not like it’s going to start moaning and bust some major nuts, yet this woman-on-inanimate object action is far from rare.  I see it all the time.  And frankly, it’s pissing me off!

I hope this photo doesn't affect my MENSA application

There’s a dangerous shortage of proper blowjobs out there, so when I see a hearty suck WASTED on a fucking stick of rubber, I get angry.  Dudes, tell your– (continue reading…)

You ever get the feeling that you’re slowly being replaced?  Here’s a pic that isn’t gonna help that insecurity.  How the fuck am I gonna compete against a rubberized stainless steel fucking machine; the gawd damnit that thing can plow ‘gina , 300 beats a minute, and doesn’t need a breather when it’s feeling a little worn out.

Haste la vista, vagina

Well, not to worry, my fellow mammals.  We’ve got at least another sixty years before this– (continue reading…)

…you have to build a fucking robot, to, um, fuck a woman.  Look at this guy in the aptly named movie, Fuck Machine.  I don’t know about you, but if I had some top shelf pussy in heat sprawled out in front of me, I wouldn’t be thinking “I just know I can build some kind of machine to slam this,” hell, I’d have no brain activity at all; I’d be too busy busting nuts in premium clam.

This is a textbook example of “decadent technology.”  We shouldn’t be wasting our resources on shit like– (continue reading…)