As I get older, I find myself suddenly desiring a badass sofa or a classy yet kooky bookshelf.  I’ve even spent a few Saturday afternoons wondering the cavernous maze of my local IKEA, turning down invites to booze it up with my buddies in the process.  Pathetic, I know.  That being said, furniture is kind of neat, especially pieces like the one below.

Got this one in the “as is” section.

Yep, growing up sure is interesting.  Just the other day I sat down and watched a bit of the Olympics… speed skating.  I enjoyed the commentary…  I felt like offing myself afterwards…  Old age, it sneaks up on you, but at least I have my electric dildo ottoman, which so happens to match my Morocco leather chair set.

You gotta appreciate this girl’s MacGyver how to.  Look at her go: piston-fired dildo working hole, industrial über vibrator working hood—damn her beautiful soul, the only thing that this cutie is missing is a rainbow forged electric butt plug and a pixie powered vacuum nipple puffer-out-er.

This should do it

Yep, she’s a mechanic’s dream girl, an android’s true love, and– (continue reading…)

Okay, granted, that’s not a deep fried hotdog up this babe’s ultra pink pussy, but it sure looks like one, and while we’re on the subject of food-in-sex/food-in-her, if you had to choose an eatable object to make romance to a vagina with, what would that food be?  And let’s be reasonable here, no watermelons or pumpkins (though feel free to nominate other gourds).

This should warm it up

In my opinion, nothing beats the classics: cucumbers, carrots, and assorted sausages.  These are the staples of a well balanced vaginal diet.  Other notable entries, excuse the pun, would have to– (continue reading…)

Blending into the crowd just isn’t in the cards for some folks.  They’re compelled to stand out.  I sort of understand.  Why be bland?  Why go quietly into that good night, or convenience store?  That being said, being arrested and  thrown into the clink has its definite drawbacks.

Though, sometimes it’s worth it to make that statement.  Where would we be without such attention whores such as Abraham Lincoln and his funny hat, countless Popes and their funny hats, the Mad– (continue reading…)

This isn’t the first time I’ve written about the futility, the abject stupidity, of sucking off a fucking piece of plastic, but I feel that I need to reiterate myself, especially when suddenly confronted with a clip like this one where an otherwise AWE-INSPIRING blowjob is wasted on a gawd dawn doorstop.

The above scene is taken from The Asylum, a particularly fantastic movie featuring Bondage, S&M, and everything fetish; it just a shame that the players within had to have a run-in with– (continue reading…)

Okay, so how is giving a piece of plastic a blowjob suppose to be sexy; it’s not like it’s going to start moaning and bust some major nuts, yet this woman-on-inanimate object action is far from rare.  I see it all the time.  And frankly, it’s pissing me off!

I hope this photo doesn't affect my MENSA application

There’s a dangerous shortage of proper blowjobs out there, so when I see a hearty suck WASTED on a fucking stick of rubber, I get angry.  Dudes, tell your– (continue reading…)

BB Jones knows all ‘bout concealing his stash of dirty.  Unmentionables needs to be buried deep, deep like how I buries me dicks in thick bubble deep.  Yeah, I gots me a mother fucking collection of Fleshlights; your cock be a muscle, like any other, and you gotta keep that fucking thing in shape, so when I’m not hitting the poon like a caveman on fire, I’m benching imaginary behinds with my formidable rod.  But I always puts my shit away when I’m done.  Those dings just can’t just be rolling around.

A family reunion classic

Ladies, you know I be writing this post for you.  Most hommies don’t need to be hiding their hands in a sock drawer after use.  Do your kin a favor and– (continue reading…)

I’ve never understood those gals that masturbated with food, like hotdogs, cucumbers, and the like.  It’s not like buying a dildo or vibrator is going to break the bank.  What, aren’t they like the same price as a pitcher of beer?  (Yes, I measure the worth of things by how much beer it I could buy with the same amount of money.)

This edgy brunette from Rocco Animal Trainer 29 understands the maxim: the right tool for the right job.  The dildos she’s working are perfectly shaped and– (continue reading…)

Dildos, vibrators, they come in all sizes, forms, textures, colors, and pattern; they’re for women (mostly) so no big surprise there.  I’m actually surprised that they don’t come with more accessories, like little charms or ribbons which could be added on, attached at some location, for further aesthetic personalization.  Looking at this girlie’s love tool, I can’t help wondering if men would be subject to the same kind of flare if we had an equivalent spank device.

Mine's cherry flavor

Currently, there’s a couple of male sex toys on the market that are halfway decent, the two biggies being the Fleshlight and Real Touch.  Exteriorly, they’re pretty boring, coming in grey, white, and stainless steel, but– (continue reading…)

You ever get the feeling that you’re slowly being replaced?  Here’s a pic that isn’t gonna help that insecurity.  How the fuck am I gonna compete against a rubberized stainless steel fucking machine; the gawd damnit that thing can plow ‘gina , 300 beats a minute, and doesn’t need a breather when it’s feeling a little worn out.

Haste la vista, vagina

Well, not to worry, my fellow mammals.  We’ve got at least another sixty years before this– (continue reading…)