Black Belt Jones is back in the hizzo, coming straight at you with the latest in Sperm Donation Technology.  While this machine helps automate the donation process, it really is just an automated blowjob machine that could solve a lot of problems.

Just think about it, you’re out shopping at the local mall and BAM, you see that one chick that gives you an instant woody.  Now all you’d need to do is visit the in-mall location and make a quick deposit!

Check it out:

On second thought, where can I buy one to install in my home?  After-all a blowjob a day keeps the Doctor away

Hello folks.  As loyal and valued members of the Adult Rental community, you have the honor of having a sneak peek at the new Adult Rental, or as we call it around the office: V3.  Yep, we’ve sunk a ton of resources into re-building Adult Rental from the ground up to offer the best VOD customer experience, period.

You can check it out right now at our temporary ‘beta’ site (that’s techie speak for ‘not quite finished’): v3.adultrental.com

Improved Search Engine:  This is perhaps one of my favorite features.  Give it a test drive.  It’s super accurate and context relative.  Like Google but built specifically for your cock. (continue reading…)

Black Belt Mother Fucking Jones here, back from another sojourn in the clink.  (Dis time I got busted for having the biggest dick in the five boroughs—jealous cock smokers!)  Anywho, while I was in the big house I did some thinking, you knows, figuring shit out.  And I had a grand mother fucking epiphany: I needs to get back to me roots: bathroom graffiti.

Hommies, I use to be the grand fucking master of bathroom stall graffiti.  My specially, naturally, was Pussy with a capital P.  Yeah son, I drew my fare share of dicks busting grisly– (continue reading…)

We’ve all seen American Pie; consequently we’ve all thought about sticking our dicks in warm food.  Sadly, a few of us have even gone all the way with an assortment of microwavable dishes; and even more pitiful, a select handful of us have burnt our peckers to shit by thrusting our cocks in piping hot meals.  Ouch!

From what I gather, women have it much easier masturbating with food than us fellas.  Hell, all they need is a something is with a little stiffness to it, like a cucumber, the feelings of the eatable be damned (as seen above).  Urban– (continue reading…)

6. The Olde Tyme Fuck Face: One part Charlie Chaplin, one part frontal lobotomy, the olde tyme fuck face was the go-to expression of orgasmic bliss back in the roaring 20s, or as my Grandpa Fart use to call them, the whoring 20s.

Attagirl!

5.  The Could-Be-Yawning Fuck Face: She hasn’t moved an inch in the past 10 minutes, and then suddenly this reaction: is it a yawn, or the tell-tale clitoral O-face?  Only the Sandman knows for sure.

I just had the strangest dream

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When you hit your stride, run with it, let it take you to whatever end it may, odds are it’s gonna be good.  Like this fella here.  In a flash, he turns a nightmare situation, being caught in public with your dick out, into a fucking-the-hottest-girl-in-the-room hilarious happening.

My fellow dudes, learn from this guy’s example: rise to the occasion.  And straight up, apply this maxim to any and all aspects of your life.  Say if you get caught by your wife in– (continue reading…)

Straight up, there’s nothing worse than being tailed by a mob of man sized sperm that are acting in pantomime.  Happened to me once in Amsterdam, nearly caused an ovum riot in the red light district.  Luckily for all involved, my spunk was far too stoned to cause much damage, just a few scared pros and an indiscriminant peppering of walking hazards.

The above being said, Durex is on their A-game with their viral marketing commercials.  This shit is funny.  Granted, spunk, the white stuff, Captain Cream, spluge, gak, man-goo, man-nog, penis snot, semen is inherently humorous, it being the wayward banana peel of the coitus comedy, but this does not mean– (continue reading…)

I’ve often thought about it myself: how does my vagina see the world? Does it see beauty?  Can it appreciate the colors of a sunset?  Does it notice the difference between spring and fall?  Where does its vision begin and where does it end?  Well, mystery solved.  Thanks Youtube for satisfying yet another self-indulgent curiosity.

I’m actually quite impressed with this little ditty.  The only thing missing– (continue reading…)

Here’s an example of viral marketing at its smuttiest.  Hey Diesel, you know dirty!  But even this hilariously censored porn montage is still worthy of a quick toss in my books.  It just goes to show, you can take the genitals out of porn but can’t take the porn out of you.

This little ditty reminds me how fucking much I love retro porn– (continue reading…)

Hey Pinky, do you ever get the feeling that you’re alone in the universe?

Quite the opposite, Flesh-Tone, I have a very fulfilling existence, or rather, a very filling existence.

I don’t know about you, but my fleshlight would be singing the blues. (continue reading…)