First impression: how does one handle that center jug? Solution: that tittie is for suckin’ and the other two are for gropin’. Or, you can fuck a pair while she suckles on the odd one out. Yes, I like how that sounds. On second thought, I can conjure a cavalcade of perverted possibilities.

Wait until you see my two assholes!

Come on! We’ve all seen Total Recall and we’ve all pondered banging a chick with an extra boob, and now it’s time to man-up and admit that our cocks are as discriminating as gravity. Of course you’d– (continue reading…)

Japan, what will you come up with next?  First, you brought us the used panty vending machine, then you brought us games shows involving corporal punishment, and who can forget about your numerous attempts at realistic robot sex dolls, and now you’re introducing the breast pillow to the Western world.  Keep up the good work, guys!

What?! No nipples?

The only problem with this “pillow” is that one might get it into their head to fuck it, which is a big no no if you plan on resting your other head on it down the road.  I already droll on my pillow, the last thing I need is a big puddle of cum next to my mouth as I sleep—it’s the last fucking thing I need!  …They do look comfie, though.

God loves a cocksmoker.  In fact, it was originally the 3rd commandment: Foxy Bitches shall smoke pole with furious suction.  Unfortunately this heaven sent directive got lost in the march of time; nevertheless, its spirit lives on in the hearts and mouths of the dick-licking righteous far and wide.

Flavour Country

Sure, there’s always a risk of these girls getting first-hand cocksmoking disease, which mainly involves developing a funny itch in their throats that can only be scratched by a long dick down-up-in-there.  Frankly, as diseases go, this one is pretty sweet, especially if you’re the attending doctor.

Mondays…  Need I go on?  I will anyways.  I’m not going to lie to you; I’m feeling used and abused right now.  I feel like the blowup job featured in the below picture, like I’m blending in with the trash and the cigarette butts smoked to the filter and the pissed on Snapple bottles and the rained on newspapers, but alas, as a solider of fortune I must carry on for all of you horny buggers out there.

Lindsay Lohan, get your shit together

What was I to do?  Not drink.  Not bloody likely considering that the Canadian Men’s Hockey Team just won the gold in storybook fashion.  Fuck!  What a goal!  And I’m not even a sports fan, but when– (continue reading…)

–because he leaves three tracks in the snow, or on the beach, or a on a sawdust covered floor.  You get the picture.  Man, could you imagine having over three feet of sperm squirting cock?  Jokes aside, it would be a serious fucking handicap.  Do you have any idea how careful you’d have to big lugging that thing around?  How many times it would get caught on something.  Ouch!

Personally, I’d carry my long dick slung over a shoulder

Frankly, if your dick dragged on the ground it would only be a matter of time before it got–I’m sorry–severed.  Think about it.  All it would take is one car door slammed, or one left-footed dance partner, or one escalator accident and suddenly your 60 inch schlong is a paltry 24 inches.  That’s gotta smarts.

Ikea, is there anything you don’t make?  I could really use a new pencil holder, particularly one I could fuck as well as story my desktop knick-knacks in.  I wonder if there is one that comes in tortoiseshell, which would match what I’m going for in that room.

Yeah, if I had a vagina I would be packing it full of random objects too.  Pens and utensils are a no-brainer: hotdogs, cucumbers, carrots, and of course, dildos–oh yeah–they all go in as well.  But knowing myself as I do, I– (continue reading…)

As you most likely know, it’s Tuesday—the lowliest day of the week and I’ll tell you why.  Naturally, you’d think Monday, being the furthest from Friday, had this dark honor, but no; at least on Monday you’re still rested from the weekend.  Tuesday you’re nothing: you’re not half way to freedom, it ain’t Pub Night, and you’re definitely not on the home stretch.

I'm all funny bone, baby

Yep, Tuesdays suck all right, but that’s why you’ve got to go out of your way to make this day bearable.  Going to the movies used to be cheap on Tuesdays, but alas, cheapy night Tuesdays have gone– (continue reading…)

Life is short, women are hot: you might as well bang as much beaver as you can while you have the chance.  It makes perfect sense to me, and as modus operandi go, living life as if you had two swinging dicks instead of a paltry one, is a winner in my books.  Trust me one this one, fellas.

You'll need one of these too

At this point, you may be asking yourself: how does one acquire an extra penis without being gay?  It’s simple.  Don’t be so fucking literal.  Also, just make the choices that a man with two or more healthy cocks would make.  For example, no two-dicked man is going to be satisfied merely– (continue reading…)

I don’t care what anybody says, I’m with my buddy George Costanza on this one: I’ve always wanted to bang a GIANT WOMAN.  Yeah, I’ve slept with tall ones, fat ones, round ones, square ones, and even a few Amazons back in the day, but I’ve never ploughed a truly ginormious Betty like the one featured in the below picture.

Look, she’s taller than the fridge behind her!

Humor me and consider for a second what it would be like having one of these Biggins swinging off your cock.  What would doggie style be like?  Like parking a Volkswagen Golf in an ocean?  Like being– (continue reading…)

Hello folks.  As loyal and valued members of the Adult Rental community, you have the honor of having a sneak peek at the new Adult Rental, or as we call it around the office: V3.  Yep, we’ve sunk a ton of resources into re-building Adult Rental from the ground up to offer the best VOD customer experience, period.

You can check it out right now at our temporary ‘beta’ site (that’s techie speak for ‘not quite finished’): v3.adultrental.com

Improved Search Engine:  This is perhaps one of my favorite features.  Give it a test drive.  It’s super accurate and context relative.  Like Google but built specifically for your cock. (continue reading…)