Fun loving 5′ 7″ 23-year-old California native hottie Allie Haze, who took home the honors of XRCO’s Best New Starlet award this year, has been signed by Vivid Entertainment as their newest exclusive Vivid Girl.  Allie Haze is the 2nd exclusive contract girl to be signed this year, with Charlie Sheen’s mistress hooker, Capri Anderson being added to Vivid’s roster in March.  Allie will begin making movies exclusively for the studio.

This is a new move for Vivid Entertainment as they head back into the fray of signing exclusive stars to the Vivid brand:   “We decided to bring back exclusive stars only if they were very exceptional, and Allie is a prime example,” said Steven Hirsch, Vivid co-founder and chairman.  He added, “Our two top directors, Axel Braun and B. Skow, brought her to my attention independently of each other. We met with her and immediately knew she was incredibly special. We are all delighted she’s on board and we think that Vivid fans will be excited by her sexy beauty and irrepressibly happy personality.”

Vivid said that after college Haze worked as a bartender and did nude modeling to help pay her tuition.
“I’d always thought I was bi-sexual, so when I was offered some good money to be with a woman on camera, I was really up for it.  I liked it so much that it led to my finding an agent who helped me get more work with women,” Haze said.

When Allie Haze was 18-years young, she got married to a preacher.  Allie had this to say about her early marriage:  ”I married a preacher when I was 18, and that turned out to be a big mistake, especially from the sexual side of the relationship.  We were divorced by the time I was 20.  It felt like I was let out of a cage.  Up to then I never thought much about sex, or had even a passing interest in adult entertainment.”

Following in the footsteps of other Adult film stars like Sasha Grey, Allie Haze has branched out into the mainstream feature film market under the name Brittney Joy, and will be starring in seven feature films which will be shown later this year at Cannes Film Festival.

So you work hard everyday for your company.  Pushing out sale after sale and earning account after account to increase the companies profit margins.  Now what kind of extra rewards should one expect outside of the usual bonuses?  An engraved watch?  An expensive clock?  A plaque?

Well the biggest Insurance company in all of Germany has come up with the perfect reward:  Hookers!

Munich Re held an orgy party for 100 of its salespeople and guests that included over 20 prostitutes fulfilling their every wish in 2007.  For the general guests and salespeople, there were a crop of Whores that wore that Red and Yellow bracelets that indicated their availability.

However for the Managers and Top Sales performers, there were a special selection of ladies wearing White wristbands and were only available for them.

Rumor has it that after each women fucked or sucked their companions to cum shooting satisfaction.  In addition each slut was stamped on their lower arm indicating services rendered and also signifying their popularity.

Now this is the kind of reward party I’m fucking talking about!  Fuck the stupid company dinner gatherings and the ass-kissing and ball-washing that occurs during these functions.  Give your employees and guests what they really want, PUSSY!

Now all I need to do is learn German, get an insurance sales certificate and apply for a job.

Black Belt Jones is back in the hizzo, coming straight at you with the latest in Sperm Donation Technology.  While this machine helps automate the donation process, it really is just an automated blowjob machine that could solve a lot of problems.

Just think about it, you’re out shopping at the local mall and BAM, you see that one chick that gives you an instant woody.  Now all you’d need to do is visit the in-mall location and make a quick deposit!

Check it out:

On second thought, where can I buy one to install in my home?  After-all a blowjob a day keeps the Doctor away

This is what can happen if you tell your significant other that you prefer Pippa Middleton’s Royal Butt to her’s.

I mean, DAYUM, that’s one angry woman.  I certainly wouldn’t be cruising the town like this.

TIP:  If you ROYALLY piss off your woman to the point she retaliates like above, mild detergent and warm water will take most of the paint off.  Also polish with acetone.  Just be careful with the latter to stop when you get to your vehicles paint.

Black Belt Mother Fucking Jones here, back from another sojourn in the clink.  (Dis time I got busted for having the biggest dick in the five boroughs—jealous cock smokers!)  Anywho, while I was in the big house I did some thinking, you knows, figuring shit out.  And I had a grand mother fucking epiphany: I needs to get back to me roots: bathroom graffiti.

Hommies, I use to be the grand fucking master of bathroom stall graffiti.  My specially, naturally, was Pussy with a capital P.  Yeah son, I drew my fare share of dicks busting grisly– (continue reading…)

Yes sir, you better fucking believe Judo master Black Belt Jones be digging this shit!  Go girl, get that thang up in there.  Don’t be shy, there’s plenty of room in that there hole.  I know, I once buried a pair of nunchucks in this bitch’s ass; they never smelt the same again, but I tell you what, it was mother fucking worth it.

Proctology homework, it's the shits

That’s the beauty of the anus, son, that the shit goes back to the same size after all is said and stuck (or at– (continue reading…)

You better fuckin’ believe Black Belt Jones is all over this retro shit!  That’s where I’m mother fucking from, bitch.  I love it!  I love it!  The 70s, that’s when things where 100% real, son; real ladies, real bush, real tits, real barely legal Betties, and real kung fucking fu.  Here’s Diamond Collection 9, a real boner jam, for reals.

Fuck, look at little red riding hood here, krumping that cock as if it were water and her pussy be on fire.

(continue reading…)

Tis no mother fucking secret, BB Jones likes his women like he likes his cars: with plenty of horse power and with big big trunks—‘cause yous knows I be putting my huge dicks up in theres.  It’s actually my new year’s resolution, plough more hefty hotties, leaving no juicy hole unsowed.

As you can see from the above clip from Big Fat Cream Pie 8, the larger lady loves a hard dicking.  And anal is a mother fucking given, son.  Just last night I had a round one over for a little 69 action, and before– (continue reading…)

Black Belt Jones here, fresh from mother fucking rehab, and I gotta say, I feel like getting fucked up tonight.  BLAT BLAT!  Yeah, I had to go away for a while.  Fucking Vegas, boy did I ever get my Hunter S. Thompson on! Last thing I mother fucking remember is blowing my load all over the mother fucking strip.  Yep, those cowboys down there frown on that sort of shit.  But you live and learn, I suppose.  NOT!

The Ladies Man knows what I'm talking about

Now that I’m out of my forced dry spell, I needs to go on an epic PUSSY HUNT.  I just hope those desert whore houses are ready for me, got their skanks lined up in a row ‘cause I’m gonna unleash a flood of spunk unseen since– (continue reading…)

Black Belt Jones in the house, and I’m ‘er to talk to yous about the hungry bum, also known as the bottomless ass and the cornhole of many bites.  This most accommodating of female orifices is infamous for being the black hole of  fuckable cavities, and may very well be a gateway to another mother fucking dimension.  Straight up, a man can lose himself in one of these damn stinks, so don’t say you haven’t been warned.

How do I knows this, you may be axing yourself.  Well, I been trapped inside a hungry bum for the past month, floating around in the rectal ether as it were, my only comfort being that I died the way– (continue reading…)