Most of us have heard the stories: the dude that shot his cock up with cocaine or something equally as FUCKING RETARDED! If you know what I’m talking about, you know that these stories never end well. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just think painful week-long erection followed by amputation.

Social Darwinism at work

Drugs are for brains and whores, not cocks. Cocks are for fucking and pissing and the occasional photo bomb, that’s it.  No feeding or watering required.  Just wash the thing off every now and then and you’re good to go.  Dick cheese like needling fucking your cock-shaft, is going to end up with you being disappointed.

Okay, granted, sometimes my marksmanship is not what it should be, especially when I’m drinking and/or using a public toilet, but I won’t emasculate myself by swatting every goddamn time I gotta empty the old piss tank.  It’s not in the cards, not in this lifetime, probably not in the next several lifetimes or hereafters.

Most urinated-on sign in the history of bathroom signs

I’m not saying that I drench the walls, fill the sink, and splash on the floor.  What I’m saying is that nature/god/aliens/the ancient ones/whatever equipped us dude to tinkle standing up and that’s exactly what I intend to do until Judgment Day, and with any luck the judger on that day will also have a swinging dick and no time for bullshit.

Don’t just make love, plough hole most heinously.  Ream that shit in, hard.  Have some other bitch harass your lay while you smash glorious nuts against tenderized clit.  Finger that asshole, not with your pinky, but with your whole goddamn torso.  And don’t forget to forget the lube.   That shit is for pussies, no pun intended.

The above clip is taken from the film Ravenous and is an excellent example of coitus correctus.  Ideal sex involves at least three people, two of which are female.  Perfect love involves puckered rectums meeting puckered kissers.  Outstanding relations begin with doggie style and end in chaffed cock-head, purple pussy skin, and yawning sphincters.  Hey, them the rules.  I’m just the messenger.

I’m not a political person.  Frankly, that shit gives me a headache.  That being said, every now and then I come across a cause that gets my attention.  Case in point: Masturbate For Peace.  Now that’s a crusade that’s not just mental or moral masturbation—it’s actual masturbation, which as you know, I’m a big supporter of.

Playing with guns

As turnkey solutions go, spanking the money has gotta be near the top of ready-to-go fixes.  It’s hard to fly a stealth bomber or nail pink-mist headshots with your dick flapping away in your hand (or so I assume, hope).  Furthermore, a sexually gratified man isn’t gonna fly off the handle and say, bomb a country back into the Stone Age.  Unless of course you’re a Republican.

So you’ve been banging the same chick for a good long while.  She may be your wife, your girlfriend, or just some strange you keep around, whatever the case may be, things are not as they used to be.  You find yourself thinking about Home Depot or Golf mid-coitus.  You can tell, more or less, that she’s in the same boat.  Bad News Bears! What to do, what to do?

Could be worse, I suppose… she could be a corpse

The solution to this conundrum is easy—ANAL SEX! “Drop it in her pooper,” my Uncle Fart used to say.  How right he was.  Straight up, ass fucking is the most potent antidote to bedroom malaise.   Nothing short– (continue reading…)

Masturbation, the Fountain of Youth?  If Chuck does it, then yes.  If the internet has taught me anything, it has taught me to do as Chuck does.  Fuck, look at the guy!  He’s 70 years old and he’s still a long boat full of Vikings, an aircraft carrier of ninja commandos, a walking and shitting grenade blast with six-pack abs.

Pre or post masturbation smoke: you decide

He fought Bruce Lee, he fought giants, he fought communism, he fought terrorists before terrorism was all the vogue, and in his spare time he cleaned up the wild West with nothing but a man’s beard, a pair of denims, and spinning kicks.  So believe me when I tell you, if Chuck chokes the chicken, that’s one dead mother fucking bird.

Despite the troubled times in the American financial system, the number of dicks being sucked remains quite static.  The duration and quality of blowjobs national wide are also unchanged by Wall Streets near collapse in 2008.  Analysts believe that the link between money and oral sex will have to be rethought.

As seen in the about clip from Vegas Cum Shots Vol Eight, head seems to be more or less the same head of ten, twenty, even thirty years ago.  Sure, some minor things have changed, such as amount of hair and– (continue reading…)

Alyson Hannigan, there’s something about her that screams COCK-A-HOLIC! No doubt about it.  Yes, this has a lot to do with American Pie, her sudden transformation from geek to gasher, but come on—even if she was a nobody and you saw her on the street, you’d say to your buddy: “hey, dicker licker at 12 o’clock.”

I think this is due to the bright enthusiasm in her eyes and her Goldilocks looks: not too hot, not too cold, she’s just right.  And you know she does anal, demands it in fact.  Anal with her morning toast, anal on her 15 minute break, anal while waiting– (continue reading…)

I don’t know how lesbian couples manage it, all those feminine emotions slurping and grinding off of each other in a stew of estrogen, pussy juice, and anxiety.  As much as I love—LOVE—the idea of girl-on-girl action, it’s hard for me to actually fathom their day to day bullshit, the clinginess, the bitchiness, and I won’t even mention the monthly double dose of PMS.

We're really really close, all the time

I know what you’re thinking: Who cares about lesbos when they’re not wrist deep in elastic hole!  Hey, I’m with you.  I’d rather not think about these banalities, but my curiosity, my need for a little context in my masturbation, demands I– (continue reading…)

First impression: how does one handle that center jug? Solution: that tittie is for suckin’ and the other two are for gropin’. Or, you can fuck a pair while she suckles on the odd one out. Yes, I like how that sounds. On second thought, I can conjure a cavalcade of perverted possibilities.

Wait until you see my two assholes!

Come on! We’ve all seen Total Recall and we’ve all pondered banging a chick with an extra boob, and now it’s time to man-up and admit that our cocks are as discriminating as gravity. Of course you’d– (continue reading…)