–because he leaves three tracks in the snow, or on the beach, or a on a sawdust covered floor.  You get the picture.  Man, could you imagine having over three feet of sperm squirting cock?  Jokes aside, it would be a serious fucking handicap.  Do you have any idea how careful you’d have to big lugging that thing around?  How many times it would get caught on something.  Ouch!

Personally, I’d carry my long dick slung over a shoulder

Frankly, if your dick dragged on the ground it would only be a matter of time before it got–I’m sorry–severed.  Think about it.  All it would take is one car door slammed, or one left-footed dance partner, or one escalator accident and suddenly your 60 inch schlong is a paltry 24 inches.  That’s gotta smarts.

So, she has a square jaw, a steely gaze, man mouth, and looks like a linebacker if you blur your eyes a little bit.  Big deal.  Biologically, she’s a 100% female.  And guess what, she’s rabid for hot cock spunk.  Will you give it to her, she wonders as she sucks on those digits, each one no doubt flavored by epic fingerbanging and tobacco rolling.

The above clip is from the flick Milf Does A Brotha Good, and I gotta say as titles go, this one is right on the money.  Straight up, chesty mothers and black über snake go together like eggs and toast, but with the former involving more yoke.  If this action isn’t your thing, no worries; at least now you know what to get your mom for mother’s day.

Ikea, is there anything you don’t make?  I could really use a new pencil holder, particularly one I could fuck as well as story my desktop knick-knacks in.  I wonder if there is one that comes in tortoiseshell, which would match what I’m going for in that room.

Yeah, if I had a vagina I would be packing it full of random objects too.  Pens and utensils are a no-brainer: hotdogs, cucumbers, carrots, and of course, dildos–oh yeah–they all go in as well.  But knowing myself as I do, I– (continue reading…)

As you most likely know, it’s Tuesday—the lowliest day of the week and I’ll tell you why.  Naturally, you’d think Monday, being the furthest from Friday, had this dark honor, but no; at least on Monday you’re still rested from the weekend.  Tuesday you’re nothing: you’re not half way to freedom, it ain’t Pub Night, and you’re definitely not on the home stretch.

I'm all funny bone, baby

Yep, Tuesdays suck all right, but that’s why you’ve got to go out of your way to make this day bearable.  Going to the movies used to be cheap on Tuesdays, but alas, cheapy night Tuesdays have gone– (continue reading…)

Is it me or do some barely legal gals radiate feel-good-pussy times?  Take this one for example.  Her name is Charlotte Stokely and she’s more or less my dream teen babe (despite being 23ish now).  Look at those naturally rosy cheeks, that milky skin, that flaxen hair, and that hard body.  I think I just came a little bit.

That's right, I'm blushing

Yep, she sure is peach.  Do you have any idea what I’d do to that ass?  One word: EPIC!  I’d eat it like a sandwich.  I’d run through it like a stop sign in Siberia.  I’d pack it  like I pack my lunch—with extra meat.  I’d play it like a trumpet.  I’d toss it like a coin, calling both head and tails.  I think you get the picture.

I’m gonna level with you: I’m not a terribly picky dude, and when it comes to lesbians, I like ‘em big, I like ‘em old, I like ‘em nasty, I like ‘em rainbow, and of course, I like ‘em barely legal.  Do I have a favorite?  You know what, I don’t know.  It all depends on what kind of mood I’m in really.

The above clip is from Teen Lesbian Stories, and frankly, today being Friday, I am just in the right spirits for some hardcore pretty and petite muff divers diving.  Look at that wee lass munch fur pie!  Now that’s how one gets a hairball, but hell, it’s worth hacking up a grisly mess later on to face love that friendly beaver.  Wouldn’t you agree?

As I get older, I find myself suddenly desiring a badass sofa or a classy yet kooky bookshelf.  I’ve even spent a few Saturday afternoons wondering the cavernous maze of my local IKEA, turning down invites to booze it up with my buddies in the process.  Pathetic, I know.  That being said, furniture is kind of neat, especially pieces like the one below.

Got this one in the “as is” section.

Yep, growing up sure is interesting.  Just the other day I sat down and watched a bit of the Olympics… speed skating.  I enjoyed the commentary…  I felt like offing myself afterwards…  Old age, it sneaks up on you, but at least I have my electric dildo ottoman, which so happens to match my Morocco leather chair set.

Life is short, women are hot: you might as well bang as much beaver as you can while you have the chance.  It makes perfect sense to me, and as modus operandi go, living life as if you had two swinging dicks instead of a paltry one, is a winner in my books.  Trust me one this one, fellas.

You'll need one of these too

At this point, you may be asking yourself: how does one acquire an extra penis without being gay?  It’s simple.  Don’t be so fucking literal.  Also, just make the choices that a man with two or more healthy cocks would make.  For example, no two-dicked man is going to be satisfied merely– (continue reading…)

I don’t care what anybody says, I’m with my buddy George Costanza on this one: I’ve always wanted to bang a GIANT WOMAN.  Yeah, I’ve slept with tall ones, fat ones, round ones, square ones, and even a few Amazons back in the day, but I’ve never ploughed a truly ginormious Betty like the one featured in the below picture.

Look, she’s taller than the fridge behind her!

Humor me and consider for a second what it would be like having one of these Biggins swinging off your cock.  What would doggie style be like?  Like parking a Volkswagen Golf in an ocean?  Like being– (continue reading…)

What do you do when the tank is empty?  You fill it up.  That’s logic you can’t argue with, and what’s true for cars must also be true for women, especially women who are also measured by tonnage.  You find a fatty with an empty pussy or anus…  Do I really need to spell it out for you, fellas?

The above clip taken from Fat & Fifties is a perfect example of working hole not for bragging rights, not for ego, not your country, honor, money, food or any other such non-sense: it’s working hole– (continue reading…)