#7:  If they look firmer than a hard boiled egg dipped in liquid cement, those be fake.

#6:  If they squeak like Sparky’s dog toy, those be fake.

#5:  If they’re perfectly spherical, like a crystal ball wrapped in a condom of skin (see below picture), those be fake.

Is it me, or does her torso look the head of an alien

#4:  If they come with instructions, those be fake. (continue reading…)

If it’s the one thing that my imagination has taught me: all elves are big sluts.  It was a happy day when I came to this grand realization.  There I was, watching The Fellowship of the Ring in the theater—masturbating in my pocket—and suddenly it struck me like a bag a bricks, that behind closed doors, these dexterous pointy eared darlings on screen must be kinky mother fuckers in the sack, with their magic toys and limitless endurance. Straight up, pixies and other fairy folk: Horny buggers the lot of ‘em.

Somehow this was lost on the rest of the audience as I busted my four nut with my more than buttery hand.  I recall, after the show, getting my soggy ass home for round five, but this time the gloves were coming off.  Happily, I let– (continue reading…)