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Archive for November, 2009

If you’re getting a blowjob, take off the damn boxers

by on Nov.30, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as lazy as it comes, especially if my dick is out.  That being said, there comes a point where common sense and decency must override laziness.  So if she’s going through the trouble of blocking her windpipe with your dirty cock, be a sweetheart, drop your drawers.

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Dude in the above clip from Snatch Shot 1: textbook bad form.  Of course, every rule has its exceptions.  Say you’re getting a quick BJ in some less than empty alleyway: in this situation it’s alright to keep your– (continue reading…)

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Behind the scenes at Rivendell

by on Nov.29, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

If it’s the one thing that my imagination has taught me: all elves are big sluts.  It was a happy day when I came to this grand realization.  There I was, watching The Fellowship of the Ring in the theater—masturbating in my pocket—and suddenly it struck me like a bag a bricks, that behind closed doors, these dexterous pointy eared darlings on screen must be kinky mother fuckers in the sack, with their magic toys and limitless endurance. Straight up, pixies and other fairy folk: Horny buggers the lot of ‘em.

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Somehow this was lost on the rest of the audience as I busted my four nut with my more than buttery hand.  I recall, after the show, getting my soggy ass home for round five, but this time the gloves were coming off.  Happily, I let– (continue reading…)

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The toothless blowjob, a case study

by on Nov.28, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

So, you’re no Casanova: that doesn’t mean you can’t get laid or get a quality blowjob.  Sure, you’re gonna have to cut some corners, go a little older, or fatter, or even toothless, as displayed in the below clip from 40+ and Humming.  Frankly, in my books, toothless is definitely the way to go given the option.  And I’ll tell you why:

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Well, I really have only one point to make here: no sharp objects.  Any dude that has ever had his cock sucked will tell you, once in a while your sensitive dick head will hit or perhaps scrap hard enamel.  Hey, you know what I’m talking– (continue reading…)

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Skinny girls like anal too

by on Nov.27, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Defying peg and grove logic, some petite babes enjoy their monster cocks in their diminutive stinker.   Though counter-intuitive, it somehow works.  Sure, lube has a lot to do with it, as does warming and working-up to the big penetration, but my question still stands: where does all that fat dick go?

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And some of these schlong rectal thermometers are truly mammoth, both terrifying long and tremendously girthy, as seen above in Anal Perversions.  Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of these sausages were a third– (continue reading…)

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The warm-up to anal, she’s important

by on Nov.26, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Given the go-ahead for anal, one’s instinct is to ream it in as fast as one can, before she has a chance to chicken out or change her mind.  This natural impulse is not entirely off base, but if one would like to repeat the experience, it’s best to warm-up that sphincter and rectum—for her sake, for your sake, and for the sake of all who dare to follow you down that certain highway.

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Watch this clip from Nut Busters 4.  This is the ideal prep-anal situation, having some third party hottie lube both the asshole in on bat and your cock; not only does it involve no work on your part, it’s fucking sublime, a near seamless– (continue reading…)

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Spit Snarling Wild-Eyed Cock Smoking, the death of ya

by on Nov.25, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

A Tasmanian Cock Monster, assuming the form of a busty babe, is going ape-shit on your package—balls, taint, the whole deal.  She/it/whatever is working your dick like it’s never been worked before, and you think to yourself, I will not come out of this alive, which is fine by you.  You’re Uncle Fart always said that you’d go out in a blaze of jism.

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Cum Tails, thou art deadly.  Hey, “If you gotta go,” quoth the Joker, “Go with a smile.”  The Spartans sought glory in an honorable death in battle, and you’ll accept death in a nut voiding clash and splash with Mr. Esophagus: each to their own.  This is– (continue reading…)

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Do yawning assholes make you yawn?

by on Nov.24, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

I’m gonna be straight with you, I’m on the fence concerning gaping colons, being able to peer voyeuristically in the literal bowels of ass.  On one side, it’s kind of gross, far too visceral and medical for my liking; and on the other side, it’s dirty as hell, which my iron shod penis appreciates and admires.

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And I don’t care if that blinking crapper is douched five times a day, it’s still gonna be a stinker wide open like that.  But perhaps that’s the point, have this angelic asshole brought back to earth.  I guess the– (continue reading…)

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Anal Redheads: God, buddy, please make more!

by on Nov.23, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Rare things have value; this has always been the case.  Super rare things, like big diamonds, exotic animals, and 1000 horsepower cars, are practically priceless to regular Joes like me and you, which brings me to redheads, particularly redheads of the anal variety.  These uber atypical lovelies top the list of things I’d ask a genie for, despite the risk of having my ass stuffed by a horny Carrot Top.

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Gawd damnit, I’ve got a thing for backdoor ginger gals, my favorite of which would have to be Audrey Hollander and Cherry Poppins.  That being said, even a– (continue reading…)

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Platinum Blondes, thou art agreeable

by on Nov.22, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

As a mother fucking ninja and as a mother fucking black man, I appreciate platinum blondes on so many levels, son.  First off, as a triple-black black-belt, I dig these girlie’s poetic motion, their limberness and general ass-kickery.  And as a black man, I value their lily ying to my low swinging yang.

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Just look at this little Philly here from Sweet Little Baby Faces 2 takin’ ‘er medicines like a champ.  My only mother fucking criticism has to be dat de dick is in de wrong mothering fucking hole.  You know if– (continue reading…)

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Gynecology, it has its perks

by on Nov.21, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Every dog has its day; the same is true for gynecologists.  Sure, these most pussy probing of doctors have to deal with a lot of daily nasty, but every now and they get to peer, query, and possible poke the very finest that the wet and wild world of pussy has to offer.

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Okay, I know what you’re thinking: it’s not like that, this scene from I Love my Gyneacologist 2 is pure fiction, a twisted fantasy dreamed up for my benefit.  Granted, you have a point, my– (continue reading…)

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