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Archive for September, 2009

Kilts: Yeah, you keep that shit on!

by on Sep.30, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Men have a uniform: it’s called the suit.  At some point in history, we were denied the myriad of choices that women have when it comes to formal wear.  We can choose color and cut, and tie of course, but that’s about it.  The ladies, on the other hand, can pretty much wear any blasted thing they want, as long as some European dude somewhere, at some point, has deeded it fashionable.  This being said, if were up to me, females would have a standard uniform just like us males.  And yes, it would definitely involve a kilt and pigtails, like this girl here from Dirty Goddess Volume 4, Part 2.

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Private and catholic schools seem to be on the same page here as me, most enforcing strict guidelines on the matter.  Would it really be that hard to expand– (continue reading…)

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Yes, it’s totally alright to hate this man

by on Sep.27, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

No one likes someone who’s spoiled rotten, like this dude here who’s having his entire package lovingly worked by a threesome of smokin’ barely legals.  It’s just not fucking fair.  Why should this one fella get to hog all of that hottie attention?  Well, it might have something to do with that mansion he’s in.  It might also have to do with the fact that there is no god.

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Seriously now, tell me what I need to do for one of these über sucks?  I’ll do it.  Free climb the Empire State Building, done!  Run a marathon while drinking my weight in hot sauce, no problem.  Name the deed, and I’m there.  I mean it.  NAME IT!  Anything for an 18 & Eager cluster blow—anything!

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Sadly, I was born a straight man and not a gay woman

by on Sep.26, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Have you ever said this to yourself?  Come on, sure you have.  Look how fucking baller it would be to a well-holed girlie in a lesbian gangbang.  All you’d have to do to find yourself in this best-possible-situation is show up a lesbo bar and holler: who’s in?  The next thing you’d know, you’d be wrist deep in sweet lady love.

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Seriously now, if you had one sexual wish, wouldn’t you want to be one of these ladies in T&A Chicks 10th Anniversary, getting your hood serviced by a legion of clit happy muff divers.  Personally, I’ve been asking Santa for this for years now, and I think I’m out of options.  Woe is me.

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Falling-off-the-couch masturabation

by on Sep.25, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Yes, I’ve done it.  Luckily only no one was there to witness my glorious tumble.  Dick in hand, pants at ankles, it wasn’t one of my proudest moments… but then again, maybe it was.  If you’re gonna do something, you may as well go balls to the wall, or to the linoleum, as was the case when I took my spanky spill.

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This foxy Milf from ATK Natural & Hairy 4 knows what I’m talking about.  You gotta put your backbone in it: get freaky, the blood rushing to your head be damned.  As in sex, you gotta– (continue reading…)

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Watersports: You gotta go when you gotta go

by on Sep.21, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

And this dude had to go! He must have been just having a few pints at the local watering hole.  Now, whatever your feelings may be on the subject of watersports, you gotta admit, it’s pretty damn funny, some sexy gal being splashed by a hot jet of man urine.  …Well, at the very least, it’s surreal.  And for some, it’s a major turn on, a babe being doused in the yellow stuff.  Hey, I can dig it.

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The above scene from Please Fill Up My Holes is an interesting example of the genre.  Here, the act isn’t so much about sex, but is principally concerned with– (continue reading…)

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Gotta love intro sequences!

by on Sep.20, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

The only thing I love more than a choice hardcore scene is tons of choice hardcore scenes spliced together into a montage money shot cluster fuck; I love the blistering relentlessness of it all, the no-holds-bared right-to-the-fucking-point no messing around insanity.  What a wild ride!  Hell, all I need is a few minutes of a rockin’ intro and I’m busting seeds like a marching band of nutcrackers.

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Check out this intro to Keep ‘Em Cummin’ 2.  Move other Kubrick, this is art house film at its finest.  Not a millisecond wasted, not a boring microsecond, it’s an atomic orifice sex explosion.  In my opinion, they should make entire DVDs like this, cutting every other second to the next dirty über penetration.

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These dudes are gonna need rabies shots

by on Sep.19, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Wow, look at her go!  If proof were needed for the existence of Were-cock-wolfs, here it is, in glorious high quality video.  This half babe, half feral dick smoke-tress not only bobs and tugs like a mechanized cum juicer, she’s fully ambidextrous, working three honking specimens without missing a beat.  Hell, this girl-beast shouldn’t only be doing porn, she should be the main act of Cirque du Soleil, swinging off contortionist cocks while flying through rings of fire.

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Most porn films boast titles that only have a passing connection to their content; not here, Semen Demons perfectly describes the– (continue reading…)

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A Milf a day, keeps the blue balls away

by on Sep.17, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

Black Belt Jones ‘ere, drying my dicks off with a towel; and I tells ya, dis rag just went from clean to throw-out.  Man, does the Milf get the pussy wet!  I don’t tink me balls have ever been twat washed like dat!  She even be cumming more than me, and I cum like a mother fucking monster.  Where did she learn to bust clam like fountain?  I guess experience counts for something, no?

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Yep, I took her from every angle, but I ended me nut like this feller ‘ere from Supersize Tits 13, deep doggie then straight to facial.   My forty-something loved lapping up my karate cum.  She loved it so– (continue reading…)

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Dick, be hard!

by on Sep.16, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

I was talking about this the other day with my buddy: how can one’s dick be less than diamond hard when it’ being sucked by a smokin’ hot teen pornstar.  Take a look at this example from Bubblegum Cuties 4.  Sure, dude’s not flaccid, not by any means, but he certainly isn’t sporting a full fledged hard-on, stiff enough to make a crowbar envious, rigid enough to make an insecure disciplinarian go full fascist.

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I don’t know about you, how your dick works in situations of extreme fortune, but mine turns to a fucking stone statue as if its cyclopean gaze just ran across a fingerbanging Medusa.  Sometimes it even gets so hard it hurts, like the fires of a million atom sperm bombs are being held within it, giving it the cruel pressurization of some kind of pulsar cock star.  Of course, the problem with a dick so ready to explode is that it tends to do just that.  Fuck, you look at it funny—watch out—you’ll be cleaning nut spray off the ceiling fan.

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Cock Smoking Midgets: Come on, I know you want one!

by on Sep.15, 2009, under Adult Video Reviews

One part Mini-Me, one part cum addicted dick-licker, babe porno midgets are a rare commodity indeed.  First you gotta find a wee person willing to gain a quick 10% of their body weight in cock, and next you gotta find one that’s easy on the eyes despite their ultra diminutive stature and the symmetry issues that come hand in hand with being 3 apples high.

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Luckily for us, someone in Dirty-dom has done the leg work for us and has collected a veritable stable of– (continue reading…)

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