So you’ve been banging the same chick for a good long while.  She may be your wife, your girlfriend, or just some strange you keep around, whatever the case may be, things are not as they used to be.  You find yourself thinking about Home Depot or Golf mid-coitus.  You can tell, more or less, that she’s in the same boat.  Bad News Bears! What to do, what to do?

Could be worse, I suppose… she could be a corpse

The solution to this conundrum is easy—ANAL SEX! “Drop it in her pooper,” my Uncle Fart used to say.  How right he was.  Straight up, ass fucking is the most potent antidote to bedroom malaise.   Nothing short–

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Masturbation, the Fountain of Youth?  If Chuck does it, then yes.  If the internet has taught me anything, it has taught me to do as Chuck does.  Fuck, look at the guy!  He’s 70 years old and he’s still a long boat full of Vikings, an aircraft carrier of ninja commandos, a walking and shitting grenade blast with six-pack abs.

Pre or post masturbation smoke: you decide

He fought Bruce Lee, he fought giants, he fought communism, he fought terrorists before terrorism was all the vogue, and in his spare time he cleaned up the wild West with nothing but a man’s beard, a pair of denims, and spinning kicks.  So believe me when I tell you, if Chuck chokes the chicken, that’s one dead mother fucking bird.

Despite the troubled times in the American financial system, the number of dicks being sucked remains quite static.  The duration and quality of blowjobs national wide are also unchanged by Wall Streets near collapse in 2008.  Analysts believe that the link between money and oral sex will have to be rethought.

As seen in the about clip from Vegas Cum Shots Vol Eight, head seems to be more or less the same head of ten, twenty, even thirty years ago.  Sure, some minor things have changed, such as amount of hair and– (continue reading…)

Alyson Hannigan, there’s something about her that screams COCK-A-HOLIC! No doubt about it.  Yes, this has a lot to do with American Pie, her sudden transformation from geek to gasher, but come on—even if she was a nobody and you saw her on the street, you’d say to your buddy: “hey, dicker licker at 12 o’clock.”

I think this is due to the bright enthusiasm in her eyes and her Goldilocks looks: not too hot, not too cold, she’s just right.  And you know she does anal, demands it in fact.  Anal with her morning toast, anal on her 15 minute break, anal while waiting–

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I don’t know how lesbian couples manage it, all those feminine emotions slurping and grinding off of each other in a stew of estrogen, pussy juice, and anxiety.  As much as I love—LOVE—the idea of girl-on-girl action, it’s hard for me to actually fathom their day to day bullshit, the clinginess, the bitchiness, and I won’t even mention the monthly double dose of PMS.

We're really really close, all the time

I know what you’re thinking: Who cares about lesbos when they’re not wrist deep in elastic hole!  Hey, I’m with you.  I’d rather not think about these banalities, but my curiosity, my need for a little context in my masturbation, demands I– (continue reading…)

First impression: how does one handle that center jug? Solution: that tittie is for suckin’ and the other two are for gropin’. Or, you can fuck a pair while she suckles on the odd one out. Yes, I like how that sounds. On second thought, I can conjure a cavalcade of perverted possibilities.

Wait until you see my two assholes!

Come on! We’ve all seen Total Recall and we’ve all pondered banging a chick with an extra boob, and now it’s time to man-up and admit that our cocks are as discriminating as gravity. Of course you’d– (continue reading…)

Drop that umbrella, take off that raincoat, put away that hat: it’s time to get your dick wet, really really wet.  Take it from me, a man who likes fucking in hurricanes, nothing beats having your cock smoked by a sultry babe in story weather.  So remember, when it’s raining cats and dogs outside, don’t go inside; rather, unleash that schlong of yours and let it have a big sloppy sip.  It’s all good, my friend.

The above clip is taken from the appropriately named movie Cum Suckers.  You won’t find any metaphors in that title.  What you read is what you get: a couple of hours of the hardiest blows this side of heaven.   We have– (continue reading…)

Her music is as uninspired as British cuisine, and she is a diva that us poor folk have every right to eat, but god damnit—that’s a proper rack! Okay, the below picture may have been altered in some small ways, but it’s an accurate approximation of what her titties may look like… and that’s the story I’m sticking with.

Who’s up for a game of Prison Bitch!

I’m not going to lie to you: I think Mariah, and divas like her, should all be packed into a rocket ship and blasted into the sun.  That being said, I’d still get my dick wet in one or all three of their lovable holes.  I know, I know: it’s a classic conflict of interest.  But–

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Japan, what will you come up with next?  First, you brought us the used panty vending machine, then you brought us games shows involving corporal punishment, and who can forget about your numerous attempts at realistic robot sex dolls, and now you’re introducing the breast pillow to the Western world.  Keep up the good work, guys!

What?! No nipples?

The only problem with this “pillow” is that one might get it into their head to fuck it, which is a big no no if you plan on resting your other head on it down the road.  I already droll on my pillow, the last thing I need is a big puddle of cum next to my mouth as I sleep—it’s the last fucking thing I need!  …They do look comfie, though.

God loves a cocksmoker.  In fact, it was originally the 3rd commandment: Foxy Bitches shall smoke pole with furious suction.  Unfortunately this heaven sent directive got lost in the march of time; nevertheless, its spirit lives on in the hearts and mouths of the dick-licking righteous far and wide.

Flavour Country

Sure, there’s always a risk of these girls getting first-hand cocksmoking disease, which mainly involves developing a funny itch in their throats that can only be scratched by a long dick down-up-in-there.  Frankly, as diseases go, this one is pretty sweet, especially if you’re the attending doctor.